I moseyed over to the website yesterday, completely unaware that you'd posted your fall 2012 patterns. Ignoring the voice that said I wouldn't be getting back to work for at least half an hour, I clicked on "new sewing patterns" only to be confronted by THIS:
I don't know how long I just sat there, confused. Why were these women contorting themselves into pretzel shapes in high rise windows? When I finally got around to exploring the new designs further, I understood.
They make me want to jump out a window, too.
I can usually count on Vogue for a bunch of squee-inducing patterns and a couple of "what the hell is thats?!", but they changed things up on me this time. What isn't icky is just plain boring and/or made in the worst fabrics imaginable. Take a moment to remove any sharp implements from your reach -- I don't want to be responsible for you poking out your eyes -- and let's delve in further, shall we?
Let's start with 1312, the dress modeled by a woman squatting over the New York skyline. It's actually pretty tempting when you check out the line drawing:
That flared skirt looks really fun to wear...although the fact that it flares out from a raised waistline may make the whole thing too wide to be flattering for me. Would it make me look like a giant pastry? Oh, and did you know that the bodice is in a contrast fabric? No, neither did I -- because there's nothing like black silhouetted against a window to show details! GOOD ONE, VOGUE!
The real criminal in this lineup is 1323. Let's take a look:
The shirt is fine, but the pants -- oh, my. Elastic at the waist and the cuffs? Side pockets and a fly front? Made in a shiny black satin? Why why why? I suppose they're comfortable, but you can say the same thing about pajama jeans and snuggies. Perhaps someone will look adorable in them. That person will not be me.
In 1322 we have Donna Karan's Frankenstein creation: the blazer cape. Really, it looks like two men's suit jackets cut up and refashioned into one garment, and all I could think of was the time in high school when I put four-inch shoulder pads into a men's pajama top to emulate David Byrne in STOP MAKING SENSE. (Yes, four-inch shoulder pads. It was the 80s.) Why go to all that work tailoring to be asked, "Hey, did you cut up two coats and sew them together? Cool!"
As for the rest of the window jumpers...1315 and 1314 are perfectly serviceable knit dresses, though not that exciting, so I guess I see why Vogue decided to have the models contort themselves. 1324 is interesting, though I don't suggest making the blouse in a flesh tone -- unless you're going for the "I had spinal surgery and they didn't bother closing up" look:
Does it get better once we get out of the high rise windows? No. No, it does not. I present to you Vogue 8832:
That's -- what? Huh? Maybe it looks better from another angle.
No. It does not.
Who are you glaring at, Vogue model? The designer? Your agent? The manufacturer of that strange fabric?
She wasn't the only unhappy model. Look at the woman forced to wear 8830. The design itself isn't bad, but that FABRIC!
Unfortunately, making that face didn't help her any. They put her in equally hideous fabric for 8840. I like bright colors, but both the pants and shirt in this print are a bit much:
I'll skip the only slightly odd Sandra Betzina vest and coat and the baffling Katherine Tilton shirt pattern and end with 8843, the Marcy Tilton bag pattern:
All three views show a woman carrying a banana leaf above her bag. I have to say, I haven't seen this before.
New Yorkers: is this a thing the rest of us don't know about? I mean, here in L.A. there's a neighborhood where the hipsters are wearing top hats, so I suppose anything's possible.
It's summer, and my thoughts have turned to sun hats.
Actually, let me clarify that. What I really mean is that I've become obsessed with searching out one very specific hat pattern. One that's been marked in my etsy favorites for quite a while:
I don't think I need to explain the siren-like call of the hat. I mean, what's not to love? The baggy top! The oversize pleated brim! It's REVERSIBLE! Clearly I need to make one or twelve RIGHT NOW in the brightest colors imaginable. I live on one of the streets doomed to be clogged due to this weekend's "Carmageddon" in Los Angeles, so if I'm going to be trapped in my house for the weekend I might as well hunker down and make obnoxious sun hats while drinking mojitos.
But...the item listed as "Lady's Vogue Reversible Sun Hat PDF Pattern" is on Etsy no more. The seller no longer exists, so the ghost of the item can't even be viewed. Only this scrap of information remains. I scoured the Vintage Sewing Pattern Wiki and have yet to uncover it, although after stumbling across Vogue 6805 I feared to explore summer hat territory further:
Is it a bandana? A veil? A veindana? Are those fake flowers on view 3 -- and could it be a wedding version? I'm very, very confused.
While I ponder the conundrum of Vogue 6805, please report any sightings of the Vogue Reversible Lady's Sun Hat to PatternJunkie HQ. Do not approach the hat or make eye contact with it, as it may be armed and dangerous!
Usually back views are relegated to the background, but they're the main attraction in Vogue 348:
Not that there's anything wrong with the front -- I'd say it's pretty sharp. Still, I'd find a reason to walk backwards into rooms if I were wearing this. Having to look over your shouler while talking would cramp your neck, sure, but I think it'd be worth it.
Ah. To be as hip, as cool, as "with it" as these women in their gowns from Vogue 7148:
They don't merely walk. They slink. While your hair is sliding out of place and sticking to your skin, theirs remains perfect. Their champagne glasses are always filled. Witty bon mots and sly double entendres drop from their lips with ease.
Yeah, I hate them too. But I do love their outfits.
It's been stressful times in Pattern Junkie land for the past couple of months. I was working away this morning, in need of something cheery, when I decided to take a break and head on over to the Vintage Sewing Pattern Wiki. I hadn't been there in ages. I clicked on the new photos page to see what wonders had been added.
I sighed. "Wow," I thought. "Wouldn't it be great to put on that dress and feel like skipping?"
I kept looking.
Oh, Vintage Wiki. You know just what I need. Because in the very next row, you presented me with the glory that is Vogue 6731:
YES! That's a bra just FLOATING in mid-air! Is there a strip-tease going on just outside the edges of the pattern envelope? Is a torrid orgy underway? Or is it a magic bra floating of its own accord, much like the cartoon mini-helper of Advance pattern fame? I don't know, but that floating bra just fills me with delight.
But that's not all the Vintage Pattern Wiki had to offer today. Oh, no. It gets better. Just take a look at Vogue 8898:
That's OK. Look again. Take a deep breath or two. I needed a moment when I saw it for the first time.
Stuffed animals. ON SLEDS AND SKIS! Whizzing down a mountain! (In case you're wondering, the brown lumps on the left are supposed to be hedgehogs.)
Who decided that the way to model stuffed hedgehogs, rabbits and possums was to put them in a toboggan race in a fake mountain diorama? (Whoever you are, thank you!) What were the alternate ideas? Animals betting on horse races? Pumping gas? Hot tubbing?
I think I feel like picking up my skirts and skipping.
Oh, Vogue. You've come out with some scrumptious dresses for spring...and then there's your new pattern for men, 8720. This goes straight into the Department of WWTT (What Were They Thinking?):
Was it really necessary for the coat to be buttoned all the way to the neck? Did the model need to shove his hands forearm-deep into the pockets? And why, in the name of all that is holy, did someone decide to throw sunglasses into the mix?
I don't see this and think, "My goodness, there's a stylish man!" I think "That guy's getting ready to expose his junk. Remind me not to look his way."