pattern junkie

Flasher Fashion

Oh, Vogue.  You've come out with some scrumptious dresses for spring...and then there's your new pattern for men, 8720.  This goes straight into the Department of WWTT (What Were They Thinking?):

Was it really necessary for the coat to be buttoned all the way to the neck?  Did the model need to shove his hands forearm-deep into the pockets?  And why, in the name of all that is holy, did someone decide to throw sunglasses into the mix? 

I don't see this and think, "My goodness, there's a stylish man!"  I think "That guy's getting ready to expose his junk.  Remind me not to look his way."

Kwik Sew Shenanigans

Oh, Kwik Sew, Kwik Sew.  I don't mean to pick on you, but you make it so darn easy.  Really, who was responsible for the lingerie and child pattern illustrations of the 60s and 70s?  You've already disturbed me with lingerie in a field, sexy footed pajamas and Silence of the Lambs-style imagery.  Now I find THIS:

 

I really have no words -- except a vehement "eww."

Juvenile Delinquents

When I first encountered Butterick 4149, all I could focus on was that doll.  It left me speechless, breathless and everything in between:

Look at its freakishly long arms and legs, its blank-eyed expression and its stringy stringy hair.  It's ghastly!  The hairline is receding!  Its hand is shaped like a dog bone!  It's the stuff of nightmares and horror movies.

But on a second look, the little girl holding the doll is much much scarier.  Towheaded little Buffy looks so sweet, so innocent...yet don't you think she's in the process of slamming that doll facefirst into the ground?  The doll's limbs are in motion because Buffy there is bashing its little cotton brains out on the rocks, a sweet smile on her face the whole time.

Speaking of little girls up to no good, how about these two in Simplicity 4880?

I don't know what Checks is hiding behind her back -- a tortured cat?  a lethal combination of cyanide and Coca Cola? -- but I know that she and Blue are Up To No Good.  Those innocent looks don't fool me.

Finally, meet the sweet little girls of Vogue 2867:

So ladylike!  So patrician!  So Upper East Side with their painting and tea party settings and contemplation of tulips!

I'm sorry, but someone needs to let these children play in the mud, pronto.  Otherwise they are going to hit puberty and EXPLODE. 

On Blogging, Brain Saturation and the Bad Lieutenant

I started this blog because I love vintage sewing patterns.  Without a doubt, though, blogging about vintage patterns has caused me to think about them a whole lot more.  I spend more time browsing the Vintage Pattern Wiki looking for things to post, reading other sewing blogs, etc. -- not that I'm complaining.  Let's just say that in the pie chart representing my brain, the slice representing "vintage sewing patterns" has grown much, much bigger. 

The point of this prologue?  Mr. Pattern Junkie and I recently watched Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.  Last night I had a dream in which I was Nicolas Cage's character, and two people were bribing/tempting me by opening up someone else's mail.  (I know!  So BAD!  That should tell you just how daring I am in real life.)

Inside the envelope?  Two vintage dress patterns and some pot.   I really debated what to do.  Stealing's wrong, but...

I took the patterns and left the marijuana for its intended recipient.  No reason to ruin their fun.

Do you think I have a problem?

I Question Your Fabric Choice

First, let me say I adore the bold title Butterick gave this 1960s pattern, 5490:

"The Multi-Mini: A Short Span of Skirt with Many Variations." 

What a perfect description for a mini!  In fact, I think from now on I'm going to refer to all of my skirts like this.  Maxis will heretofore be knows as "long spans of skirt."  Pencil skirts as "medium spans of skirts."  (This, to borrow from THE BIG LEBOWSKI, will make me "not a fan of brevity," so I guess my new all-purpose term for "skirt" will be "el skirtirino.")

Anyway, I think the "many variations" of the multi-mini are darling.  Those pockets!  The mock wrap!  Where I question it is View B.  See, on the far right there?

Yeah.  It's made out of fake fur.

Oh, I think it would be cute.  But is it wise?  First, there's the danger of what might get stuck in it -- God forbid you spill ketchup or accidentally sit on a piece of chewing gum.  But what worries me more is the unwanted attention it might bring from unsavory strangers who can't resist "petting" the skirt.  Is this really something you'd want to wear on a New York subway?

The Blouse of Many Moods

There have been many contenders for most astounding pattern illustration, but I declare this one the hands down winner for best pattern description.  Readers, meet Butterick 7162, the Blouse of Many Moods:

 
Here is the ACTUAL PATTERN DESCRIPTION, which has to be seen to be believed.  (Click on the image to enlarge the text):

Where to begin?  First, the Blouse of Many Moods is so zany with its "wonderfully split personality" that it has no respect for order.  What's with this crazymaking View A for afternoon, View B for dinner, and View C for morning?  And frankly, I'm confused by the description "Dinner appetizer with deep cut yoke, short sleeves."  Is the Blouse of Many Moods the appetizer?  Or the woman wearing it?

The pattern illustration only confirms all the crazy going on here.  This is a crime caper in progress if I've ever seen one.  View C is the breezy breakfast "Goodbye dear, I'm just taking my pocketbook and running off to do a few errands."  In View A, our blouse and its wonderfully split personality shift into serious mode, marching into the bank and clearing out the accounts.  (Note the glasses in hand -- a sure sign of Seriousness, though they would be put to better use covering the clear Crazy in the eyes.)  By the time we shift to View B for dinner, our heroine's hair is a different color.  I suspect she and the Cape-Yoked Blouse are cavorting in Mexico, ready to work their crazy wiles on the next poor schmuck who crosses their path.

A big thank you to Connie of the Pattern Peddler on etsy, who was kind enough to provide me with the back view of this pattern!  Unfortunately someone already jumped on this pattern from her shop (and who could blame them?!), but she's got tons of great stuff -- check it out!

The Wienie Roast Murders

At first I thought the woman in McCall 7804 here was holding a golf club, and thought it was unfortunate that sexism had landed these golfing ladies in the weeds.  But take a closer look -- that's no golf club.  It's a roasting fork with a wienie speared on the end!

But where's the evidence of the wienie roast itself?  Where are the picnic baskets, the laughing kiddies, the ants, the pickle relish?  Why is Yellow Sweater holding the wienie so close to the ground?  That's very unhygienic!

The wienie, I'm quite convinced, is evidence of a heinous crime.  Look at the suspicious poses of all three women.  As Yellow Sweater disposes of the offending wienie, Green Slacks and Red Sweater serve as lookouts.  As soon as it's buried, they're all jumping in a car and driving off to Mexico.  Really, this illustration could double as a Dashiell Hammett novel cover or a film noir poster.

The real question is: what's the crime?  What's the motive?  I'm wondering if these three found their husbands engaged in a late night memo meeting...

The Yo-Yo Killer

Here's another great pattern sent in by reader Margie, who provided us with the awesome TEACHES GIRLS TO SEW.  I agree with her on this one -- Simplicity 7239 is not all childhood innocence and fun:

Green up there clearly has designs on Baby Blue, and is attempting to clock her with a yo-yo.  And while Baby Blue may not have verbal skills yet, she's doing a good job of giving her murderous sister the finger.

As for Flowers and Gingham?  They're plotting where to bury the body.  And methinks Gingham might want to hop on over to Daddy Likey for some basic fashion advice: DON'T SHOWCA YOUR CHOCA, little one!

Kwik Sew Crime Scene

What were the pattern illustrators at Kwik Sew smoking in the 70s?  I'm sorry, but I don't associate women's undergarments in a field with concepts like "fun hobby" and "happy sewing."  I associate them with concepts like "crime scene" and "ritual murder."

And no, the pretty flowers don't make it any better.

P.S.  It's available over at MOMSPatterns.  They're having a sale through October 31 -- just use the code "dressup" to get 15% off.