pattern junkie

Kwik Sew 1179: Modern Dance and Road Kill

There are a few baffling and downright disturbing things on the pattern envelope for Kwik Sew 1179:

1. The child in the rabbit towel appears to be engaged in some form of modern interpretative dance.  What, you think a rabbit head towel would be too bizarre?  Trust me: I was in a modern dance troupe in college, and anything can happen.  For one piece, the choreographer instructed us to come to rehearsal with "kneepads, long underwear and a flashlight.  The long underwear should be small enough to fit on your head."  During one concert, we realized there was a nail sticking up out of the dance floor, so during the pause between pieces another dancer and I crawled onto the stage with a flashlight and a hammer to find it.  (Why didn't we just turn on the lights and walk out there?  I don't know.  Dancers aren't known for logic.)  We pounded it in and crawled offstage.  The audience broke out in rapturous applause.
2. What's happened to the child between photo one and two of the cat sleeping bag?  Has the sleeping bag digested the child?  Or was a vanishing spell involved?
3. Speaking of which...I'm not a parent, but I imagine that it might be distressing to make your young 'un a sleeping bag that essentially made her look like she was sleeping in a piece of roadkill.  A piece of roadkill wearing a vest.

Kwik Sew Shenanigans

Oh, Kwik Sew, Kwik Sew.  I don't mean to pick on you, but you make it so darn easy.  Really, who was responsible for the lingerie and child pattern illustrations of the 60s and 70s?  You've already disturbed me with lingerie in a field, sexy footed pajamas and Silence of the Lambs-style imagery.  Now I find THIS:

 

I really have no words -- except a vehement "eww."

Juvenile Delinquents

When I first encountered Butterick 4149, all I could focus on was that doll.  It left me speechless, breathless and everything in between:

Look at its freakishly long arms and legs, its blank-eyed expression and its stringy stringy hair.  It's ghastly!  The hairline is receding!  Its hand is shaped like a dog bone!  It's the stuff of nightmares and horror movies.

But on a second look, the little girl holding the doll is much much scarier.  Towheaded little Buffy looks so sweet, so innocent...yet don't you think she's in the process of slamming that doll facefirst into the ground?  The doll's limbs are in motion because Buffy there is bashing its little cotton brains out on the rocks, a sweet smile on her face the whole time.

Speaking of little girls up to no good, how about these two in Simplicity 4880?

I don't know what Checks is hiding behind her back -- a tortured cat?  a lethal combination of cyanide and Coca Cola? -- but I know that she and Blue are Up To No Good.  Those innocent looks don't fool me.

Finally, meet the sweet little girls of Vogue 2867:

So ladylike!  So patrician!  So Upper East Side with their painting and tea party settings and contemplation of tulips!

I'm sorry, but someone needs to let these children play in the mud, pronto.  Otherwise they are going to hit puberty and EXPLODE. 

Pattern APB!

Remember Simplicity 3528, the invisible dress?

Reader Judith is looking for it in a size 6.  If you have it, drop her a line via her etsy profile, will ya?  I think she has a little girl she wants to make disappear a charming vintage dress for.

Meanwhile, reader Judi has presented a mystery.  What are the "Maren Dress" patterns Simplicity put out in the 1990s?  Judi contacted Simplicity and -- ahem -- THEY had no clue.  Any insight, dear readers?  Of particular interest is the fact that "Maren Dress" patterns aren't necessarily dresses -- here are a few examples.  (Click on the picture to go the the seller.)

Curiouser and curiouser, as they say in Wonderland...

Tots in Trouble

Sharp-eyed reader Laura sent in a photo of this great pattern, Simplicity 2558, which she has aptly captioned "See, isn't my underwear pretty?"

Laura notes that #2 is a toddler who wants out of her clothes, and I couldn't agree more.  At first I worried that she was stripping down down because her prancing sisters had persuaded her to sit down on an anthill (as my mother and uncle convinced my aunt to do when they were young hellions), but she doesn't have the necessary look of panic.  No, I think they're all stripping -- check out the red shoe in #1's hand.  "Simplicity 2558 -- underthings so pretty your child can't wait to take them off."

Then there's Vogue 2588.  Check out the poor toddler in the middle of this scenario:

The girls on either side of her may be wearing sweet dresses, but there's some cruelty going on here.  "Bathroom?  I don't know what you're talking about.  Barbara, do you know what 'pee=pee' means?"

Little Sisters Are So Easy To Fool

It is too a magic dress.  You put on one if you're going to church...

...and two if you want to be INVISIBLE.

Sugar Swings

I look at the envelope for Simplicity 8721 and my first thought is, "No one should have given these childen sweetened cola."  Is it just me, or do they seem a little hyper?

Then I saw this awesome vintage ad promoting the importance of sugar to a child's diet.  (It originally appeared in Time Magazine in 1966; I spotted it here.)  Who knew sugar was promoted as part of a healthy diet?  So Blue to the left there isn't spazzing out -- she's doing the Watusi!

As for the phrase "like a turtle needs a seatbelt"?  I need to find a way to work that into my everyday language immediately.  "Honey, I need this argument like a turtle needs a seatbelt."  "Officer, I need this ticket like a turtle needs a seatbelt."  Handy for so many situations!

Before They Had Pipes

Reader Harriet sent in this fantastic pattern she found on etsy, which she's aptly titled "Before They Had Pipes":

 

Wow.  Look at all those little businessmen!  Harriet thinks that Mr. Blue Plaid in front looks suspiciously like Sal from Mad Men.  I don't follow the show (a sin for a vintage lover, I know -- I didn't get into it at first and now fear it will take over my life if I try to catch up), but I suspect that Sal is a toupee-wearing ladies' man.  The rest of the "boys" don't look so innocent either.  Mr. Red Vest behind him looks ready to sell us a shady bill of goods, while Mr. Gray Blazer/Bow Tie is clearly another snake oil salesman.  I'm not quite sure what Red Plaid Vest has done at such a young age to deserve framing, but Brown Suit?  I pity Brown Suit.  If there's a Willy Loman in this diorama of 1950s white collar masculinity, it's Brown Suit.

There are a couple of other 1950s boys' patterns in the seller's shop, and together they offer an amazing glimpse into the strict gender roles men were forced into during this time.  I know I focus so much on the societal restrictions placed on women that I forget that men and boys -- even if they didn't have to deal with everything from job discrimination to girdles -- had their own cultural baggage.  If you look at these patterns, it seems that boys were being molded into "little men" from a very young age.

This one, Simplicity 4964, at least makes a passing acknowledgment to boyhood and puberty.  Charming Red and Cute Stripe pose for the viewer while White Shirt gives grooming advice to Tennis.  ("The ladies, they like it when you shave, see?  And they think it's real special when you slick back your hair.")

But Simplicity 4740 really portrays its boys as little men -- they truly are only a pipe away from manhood:

These kids are having a business conference before bed!  Check out Red Robe!  He's not just holding a sheaf of papers, briefing Blue Plaid and White Robe with some last minute details on tomorrow's presentation...he's wearing SLACKS ad DRESS SHOES underneath the robe!

The Yo-Yo Killer

Here's another great pattern sent in by reader Margie, who provided us with the awesome TEACHES GIRLS TO SEW.  I agree with her on this one -- Simplicity 7239 is not all childhood innocence and fun:

Green up there clearly has designs on Baby Blue, and is attempting to clock her with a yo-yo.  And while Baby Blue may not have verbal skills yet, she's doing a good job of giving her murderous sister the finger.

As for Flowers and Gingham?  They're plotting where to bury the body.  And methinks Gingham might want to hop on over to Daddy Likey for some basic fashion advice: DON'T SHOWCA YOUR CHOCA, little one!

McCall's: Destroying Your Child's Precious Self-Esteem, Pattern by Pattern

McCall's 7453, copyright 1964.  An adorable pattern, right?  What girl wouldn't want to wear it?

Let's take a closer peek at the symbol and writing in the upper right-hand corner, shall we?

And I thought the Husky boys had it bad.