Wow, Vogue. Thank you so much! Once again, you've released a slew of lovely patterns that will end up in my pattern collection, waiting patiently to be made. You manage to always put out three or four dresses that I absolutely fall in love with, and this time was no exception. After all these years, you still know how to make me feel special!
I especially want to single out this pattern, 1170, for praise:
What is up with that fabric? Are those chimney sweeps, or are they men with umbrellas being swept away by the wind? Anyway, I love how they look like they're being sucked into the black hole of the knot at her neck. It's not just a blouse, it's a natural disaster! I would wear that ALL the time. I mean it. I bet you knew that, didn't you? That blouse is our secret joke, isn't it?
But I'm going to be a bit of a crankypants about Vogue 1158, the Tracy Reese striped dress. See, Vogue, I have these four yards of beautiful striped rayon fabric. (I told you about this, but you were doing that "pretend listening" thing again, as if chatting with Marcy Tilton was more important than finishing your conversation with me.) And like the Ancient Mariner doomed to retell his tale, or Sisyphus fated to push that rock up the hill again and again, I am doomed to forever search for the perfect striped fabric pattern. Immediately my eyes shot to that dress.
The back is so nice. So harmonious. Look at that stripe-matching:
It's beautiful. Makes you feel like all is right with the world, doesn't it? Granted, the stripes don't match on the belt, which seems like the easy part, but hey -- who's looking there? It's the front people really pay attention to:
N-n-no! At first I thought you were doing something cool and complicated with the multi-stripe pattern, but no! You simply DID NOT MATCH the stripes, and every time I look at the dress it makes me feel funny inside. Like I might need to put on one of those McCall's crazy caps I posted about yesterday.
No, Vogue, I am NOT being hyperbolic. Those mismatched stripes get under my skin. I just don't feel right. I can't stop thinking about how -- stop laughing. Vogue, if you tell me did this just to annoy me --
I am calm. Let me just make my point. I looked through my sewing books from the '40s and '50s. I was hoping to find a tongue-lashing on the evils of unmatched stripes -- the kind of thing Nina Garcia might say if this dress showed up on Project Runway. But no, my vintage books quite simply and sensibly explained how to match stripes when laying out a pattern. And then I realized --
Vogue, I am not having the discussion about how you use "real" designers while Simplicity cashes in on Project Runway. The point is, I looked through my old sewing books and I realized that I didn't need to justify stripe matching to you. You know why? You know you should do it.
Yeah you do. "Allow extra fabric to match plaids or stripes."
No, I am not twisting your words. I am not taking them out of context. You always say --
Vogue, cut that out. Just admit you messed up! We can get past this. I just want -- I need -- an explanation! Were you sick? Did you forget to pay the utility bill again? Were you on another bender? You know I'm always good for the bail money.
Don't slam the door like that! Fine. Go out and get drunk with Simplicity. Why don't you tell him to stop making sample garments out of the Joann's Casa Collection and experiment with something like silk or chiffon for once?!
I'll wait up in case you call.